THE INNKEEPER

It was September 1992.  Mom was in trouble.  Big trouble.  She had often faced significant challenges throughout the years, and just as often, called out for help from family for some sort of financial salvation.  Even as a child myself (Mom’s only child), I had been repeatedly pressed to do my part to bail her out from her most current circumstances.  These events always strained me—financially, physically, emotionally—and eroded my abilities and even my desire to provide support, though duty held me to the course.

Now age 64 and partially-disabled, Mom was in Sacramento, California, living on her early Social Security retirement income.  She was without a car and used one of those battery-powered scooters to help her travel most distances, and while traversing through fair grounds one night, she unwittingly ran her lower leg into a protruding piece of rebar and gashed it wide open.  Infection set in and she became further disabled.  At the time, she shared the expense of apartment living with a roommate—one whom she came to trust and revere as a friend in relatively short order.  After attaining a measurable level of recuperation, she agreed that the roommate should feel comfortable to leave for a desired two-week visit with a family member. 

Those two weeks, however, turned into a month, then longer, before Mom reluctantly and sadly gave into her fears that the roommate had left entirely.  The so-called visit had been a façade; realizing the shelled appearance of an intended return cut her to the marrow.  Mom was abandoned.  What’s more, having already endorsed her Social Security check over to her roommate to pay her share of the rent, she learned that the rent went unpaid.  An uncompassionate landlord presented an eviction order and threatened, most severely, a lock-out by the Sheriff.  Sadly, Mom returned to alcohol for release, which she had successfully quit a few years before, following a lifetime of addiction. 

In her soulfully-injured condition, she called and begged me to turn chaos into order.  So uncertain of what immediate recourse I might take, especially being 900 miles away, I took inventory of my financial condition once more.  It didn't have to take long.  I already knew.  In just three month’s time, it was my plan to return to the University of Arizona full-time and complete my degree.  I was 31 years old and had grown weary of the meager salary that my technical vocation had afforded me.  According to plan, then, I would soon be without an income at all, dependent almost fully on school loans to see me through.  Now, given our history together, I was expected to also find a way to support my mother once her predicament was revealed.  I labored to sustain Mom emotionally, and objectively researched her situation in Sacramento, calling upon a few key people for understanding and guidance.  And, I prayed—much.  Still, the biggest part of me desperately wanted to run.

One Sunday evening in mid-September, I attended a satellite broadcast of a fireside at my Church, that I might find spiritual relief for my own self and temporarily escape the pressures of my mother’s situation.  During that fireside, the story of The Good Samaritan was presented.  I had heard it and read it many times before:

And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

(Luke 10:30-35)

Suddenly, I was profoundly and undeniably struck with a realization and a spiritual witness.  Samaritans are known to have been most despised in the region.  Similarly, Jesus was “despised and rejected of men” (Isaiah 53:3).  Having understanding, I saw that the Savior was, himself, The Good Samaritan.  And, though my mother had been stripped of her money and abandoned by her supposed friend (yet, a thief); though she was wounded without and within; though her landlord had not compassion on her; though even her only child had considered passing by on the other side; even then, the Savior readily sought to bind up her wounds and carry her to a place of safety, where she might be nursed to health again.

 

And so it was that I was called to act in another role in this story—

the Innkeeper. 

My heart and throat swelled, my cheeks flushed, and tears intensely poured down my face and neck.  It was such an astonishing and singular spiritual event that all attempts to describe it in mere words are defied.  Fear not was the Lord’s word to me.  My mother would be delivered to me for care and healing.  I would be sustained in all ways, financially and otherwise.  Then and there, the Lord promised me that if I were found lacking at the end of the day, I would be repayed.  And so he did. And so he has. And so he will.

I was the Innkeeper.  Me.  That great privilege and honor was bestowed upon me!

It should not take long to discern what any of us might have wished to have done differently if called to fulfill the role of a certain Innkeeper—some 2,000 Christmases ago at a little town called Bethlehem—when Our Savior’s birth was imminently at hand. 

Take a moment.  Reflect upon your senses.  It may transform your life’s direction, interactions and relationships with others, and personal reservoirs, as it did for me.

Forgiveness: The Personal Journey of Two Families

After all of the silence, this is what finally moved me to make a post.

 

Skinhorse Poetry: "The Sand of God’s Grace and Genius"

Quiet solitude, joyful rest,
Reveal the genius and the grace
Of Him who always loves me best,
Who moves the pallor from my face;

And touches me, a trav'ling soul,
With faith and fortitude aright
To reach beyond the shallow shoal,
Lending strength for the mortal fight—

Pressing me toward higher spheres
Where compassion doth overtake
All company of bitter tears,
Offering healing for my sake.

Heartened, take I Gilead's Balm:
Similitude of Sacrifice.
Caress hope in another's palm—
Deliv'rance from a wound-filled life.

Persuaded through that gentle touch,
Love undulates till ocean's end.
Dearth's want collapses under such.
Breadth, length, depth, height doth it transcend.

Now, truth prevails and is prolonged
In this wanderer come home to see;
God's grace and genius, like the sand,
Flows, unmeasured, in one like me.

- Jacqueline J. Hancock

A Blanket and a Comforter, Too

On December 23rd, I was blessed to enjoy the overnight company of one of my beloved former young women, Jennifer, and her three children, Samantha, Harry, and Preston.  As we visited, the children asked why I didn't have a Christmas tree up in my house.  I pointed out that, in fact, I had two trees!  After taking another quick look around my front room, the children were clearly perplexed.

Within moments, I pointed to both trees, placed on tables, being approximately one foot in height.  For some reason, the children did not really accept these as being real Christmas trees and asked why I didn't have a real one that was all decorated and everything.  I tried to be funny about things by insisting that they were real enough.  "Why, looky here!  This tree even has presents under it!"  And then I lifted it up, placed a box full of presents on the table, and lowered the tree to literally sit on top of my presents.

They still didn't buy it.

Talk finally turned to my being "poor" as the reason why I didn't have a real tree after I explained that because of my having been laid-off from work seven months up to that point, I just simply couldn't afford a tree this year like I could other years.  I think they tried to understand, but I doubt that they really did.  A few shrugs of the emotional shoulders and closings of open jaws, and we were finally ready to select and watch a movie.  It took a while.

As it turned out, young Samantha got settled in my bed to watch my "so desperately tragic" (as she put it) Becoming Jane movie on her personal DVD player, whilst the rest of us acquiesced to rough it up with Invincible, rather than with one of the more rowdy Indiana Jones series in the front room.  Samantha just could not understand how her brothers would not benefit from and actually enjoy watching Becoming Jane.  Oh, I dunno.  I guess it must just be a guy thing.

Before Sam started her movie, I asked her if she were ready to have the comforter, too, in addition to the blanket she was already under.

"You have a comforter, too?!?" she asked incredulously. 
"Yep." came my quick reply. 
"Wow, Jacki! Well, you are FAR from poor if you have a comforter, too!" 

I just smiled without a little, and within a lot, as I thought of her simple faith and childlike perspective, as I fluffed the comforter over the bed, making sure to get Sam all snuggly underneath it.   Hah!  If she only knew how old that comforter is, I thought to myself. It's not like I just purchased it.

But, what a lesson!  I really am far from poor if I have my Comforter, too!

16  And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;
17  Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.
18  I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
. . . . .
25  These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you.
26  But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
27  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.  (John 14:16-27)

And so it is that during times of joblessness, of financial struggle, of emotional distress of varying weights and circumstances, and through all other trials which cannot possibly be enumerated here, it is critical that we all that surround ourselves and get snuggly with this Comforter.  For it is this Comforter who brings goodness, love, and hope to our remembrance.  He chases away fear and doubt.  He warms our very souls and somehow helps us to do the same for those around us who are even more poor, or who are feeling more poorly than we are.  And really--when we have this Comforter, we truly are FAR from being poor.

As the little girl, Virginia, once received the fabled testimony of Santa Claus, so do I now unfold similar sentiments, though on a higher and most true plane:

Yes, Samantha . . . there really is a Comforter . . . and He is ours.

What Child Is This?

Of all the times that I love to sing, Christmas is my favorite.  From the time that I was a young girl in school, my heart filled with joy and understanding as I learned to sing the songs of Christ.  In fact, one of my fondest memories takes me back to the day that my fifth grade class was preparing to put on a Christmas play of sorts and the feelings that overcame me as I joined with them in singing and moving about the stage.

Teachers were careful to concentrate more on the technical aspects of the play's production, rather than emphasizing the meaning behind some of the Christmas songs we sang.  And, since I didn't have much of a religious upbringing in my home life, I was pretty much left on my own to discover what it was that we were all singing about.

During a dress rehearsal, the stage lights were brought down low, and we all joined our voices in asking:

What child is this, who, laid to rest
On Mary's lap, is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

The Arrival of the Shepherds, by Henri Lerolle.
The original is in the Musee des Beaux-Arts in Carcassone, France.

I will never forget the feelings that enveloped me when, as we began to sound the reply to our own question, the Spirit of God lit my heart with understanding.  To my young voice and ignorant heart, maturity and strength of conviction were given, and I was literally moved to tears as the message of the Christ Child sunk deep into my soul:

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary!

The Spirit taught me that day, and many days thereafter, helping me draw closer to Christ and to know His name, though it would be many years before I would be able to gain a fuller understanding of His Gospel and an ability to bear witness of its truthfulness to others. 

Now, with a fonder appreciation of His Gospel, I continue to sing.  As I do, my hope is that others will, through the Spirit, likewise come to understand the miraculous nature of Christ's birth and life, and to feel wondrous gratitude for all that His life promises us.

So bring Him incense, gold, and myrrh,
Come peasant king to own Him,
The King of kings, salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.

Raise, raise the song on high,
The Virgin sings her lullaby:
Joy, joy, for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary!

Book of Ether - Focus on 2:22-25

As shared in my 8/15 post, Spencer W. Kimball declared that the Book of Ether was "unparalleled." Referring to the Jaredites' story as told in the Book of Ether, King Mosiah said, "And this account shall be written hereafter; for behold, it is expedient that all people should know the things which are written in this account" (Mosiah 28:19, emphasis added). I submit that God's love and power is evident through and throughout the experience of the Jaredites.

Now, a disclaimer: I have been personally moved to feel that significant, symbolic keys of knowledge pertaining to the plan of salvation are contained within this account. However, I am not a gospel guru; and, while I attend to symbolism in my studies, I recognize that such an emphasis may cause me to go beyond the mark. So, whatever I may share is offered in the spirit of encouraging your own repeated study of this book within a new frame of reference, in order to spur deeper thinking and generate connections between our lives and those of the Jaredites. Take what you care to take. Discard the rest.

I know that I wrote in my journal about my first significant insights into the Book of Ether. Unfortunately, I cannot find the entry now; so, I will recount it as best as I can.

At the time, I was part of the Tucson Institute Chorale. A smaller group of us ("double quartet") had been practicing one of the most beautiful and moving songs I've ever had the privilege to sing: "The Majesty and Glory of Thy Name" (based on Psalm 8). I taped the music during an evening rehearsal so that I might continue to practice on my own. Thus, while driving home from that rehearsal, I sang the music piece several times over while en route, and continued to do so for some 20 minutes while parked outside of my home. My feelings for the Lord were unusually poignant. I was humbled by and through the Lord’s love for me. Spiritually, I sang my heart out. My tears could not keep up with the depth of feelings in my heart.

Here is the text from Psalm 8, from which the song was inspired . . . and I do mean inspired!

1 O LORD our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth! who hast set thy glory above the heavens.
2 Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou mightest still the enemy and the avenger.
3 When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;
4 What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?
5 For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.
6 Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:
7 All sheep and oxen, yea, and the beasts of the field;
8 The fowl of the air, and the fish of the sea, and whatsoever passeth through the paths of the seas.
9 O LORD our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth!

"What is man, that thou art mindful of him?" These words kept stirring me to consider how very small I was among all the evidence of God’s creations; yet, my life was deemed invaluable, being of more worth than many sparrows. Who can dare to limit the value of a sparrow?

I prayed. I can no longer recall the prayer, but the feeling ever lingers within; and, when I care to again call up that joyful experience, feelings of supreme gratitude and humility return to me, freely.

It was in this frame of mind, spirit, body—soul—that I left my car and went inside my home to my bedroom alone. Without any predisposition for particular study, I indiscriminately pressed a handful of pages in my scriptures and turned them to the left. When I moved my hand away from the pages, I saw that the stopping point was somewhere in Ether 2. I started reading. Soon, I was brought to this passage:

22 And he cried again unto the Lord saying: O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; and I have prepared the vessels for my people, and behold there is no light in them. Behold, O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?
23 And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels? For behold, ye cannot have windows, for they will be dashed in pieces; neither shall ye take fire with you, for ye shall not go by the light of fire.
24 For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.
25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come. Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?

(Ether 2:22-25, emphasis added)

The Brother of Jared laments about not having light (and air) for the great journey through the sea to the Promised Land. This was a story that I had read and discussed many times. Suddenly, though, new symbols were opened up in my mind, the likes of which I considered for 45 minutes. I know that the Holy Ghost, who accompanied me and filled my heart with joy and love when I sang that song of praise within the confines of my car, had prepared my mind to understand more of these scriptures.

Now, a few keys to consider:
Vessel = we, ourselves
Light = Light of Christ
Windows = being able to see the end from the beginning; having no veil, and therefore, no need for faith
Fire = whatever temporary or counterfeit agent that tempts us to depend less upon the true Light
Sea = the mortal life we all must pass through
Depths of Sea = deep mortal and spiritual perils
Winds, Rain, Floods = adversity given along the way, either for correction, for the land, or for mercy (see Job 37)
Prepare = Everlasting Atonement of Jesus Christ

How unusually fitting that a later connection should be drawn between Psalm 8 and this passage of scripture in Ether. Again, from Psalm 8:

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? . . . For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his
feet . . . whatsoever passeth through the paths of the seas.

The overwhelming lesson given me during that night of worship and praise was this: that through the Atonement of Christ, our Father in Heaven already prepared the way for deliverance from the perils of our mortal journey to the Promised Land (eternal life with God). Therefore, what more would we have him do?

Now, a few additional scriptures for you to study and prayerfully consider that complement this passage in Ether 2:

1 Corinthians 10:1-2
Job 37
2 Nephi 8:10
Jonah 2
Alma 7:11-12
Psalm 77:19
Jacob 5:41

More later . . .

Forgiveness of Others

I have felt three types of significant forgiveness of others in my life:

1. That borne after years of childhood grief carried into adulthood, which was released quietly, even unnoticeably, through the grace of the Savior.


2. That given as an undeniable GIFT from God--an unexpected, spontaneous outpouring of compassion from me towards one who had offended me--witnessing (to me!) of the power of the Lord's "bowels of mercy."


3. That of long-term strugglings in body and spirit, a Gethsemane-type journey or type for Christ, within my limited sphere of personal experience.

I have also come to learn that where forgiveness is concerned, some healing takes time. Just how much time is dependent on a variety of factors, such as:

• Our pride, self-condemnation, or other human foible that keeps us from seeing things and people, ourselves included, as they truly are.
  
• A lack of faith, defined as a principle of power or action. More to the point, though, being unprepared, unable, or unwilling to draw upon Christ's own faith to help us fulfill our desires (see Galatians 2:16,20).


• God’s requirement of us to more fully comprehend, even in the smallest degree, what the Savior's pain and sorrow was like.

We are not trifling with sacred things when we juxtapose our limited sufferings with those of the Savior, if our hearts are attuned to the truth of the Lord as we seek to comprehend our divinity.

My understanding of this concept was enlarged while experiencing the despairing depths of life circumstances. I felt misunderstood, falsely accused, ridiculed by my enemies, betrayed by my friends, and left alone to figure it all out for myself. My soul was pained and could not be comforted. So many unanswered pleadings of "Why?" resulted in no small angst about my purpose in life. I was tempted to abandon my purposes, if ever there were any, despite a previous, compelling witness that the Lord had given me a specific work to do.

While in this frame of weakened mind and spirit, I was somehow led to Doctrine & Covenants 138:11-14, which reads:

As I pondered over these things which are written, the eyes of my understanding were opened, and the Spirit of the Lord rested upon me, and I saw the hosts of the dead, both small and great.

And there were gathered together in one place an innumerable company of the spirits of the just, who had been faithful in the testimony of Jesus while they lived in mortality;

And who had offered sacrifice in the similitude of the great sacrifice of the Son of God, and had suffered tribulation in their Redeemer's name.

All these had departed the mortal life, firm in the hope of a glorious resurrection, through the grace of God the Father and his Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ.

The questions that came to me as I studied this passage anew were these:

• What is included in faithfulness?


• How do we offer sacrifice and suffer tribulation in our Redeemer’s name? ("In" and "Redeemer" are the qualifiers here.)

I will leave readers to ask these and other questions of themselves, for the answers must surely be personalized, even in sacred ways. In general, though, one guiding principle reminded me that the offering of sacrifice is not about me and what I get; rather, it is about others, including the Lord, and what I give. To others, I am to bear the infirmities of the weak, and seek not to please myself, even as Christ sought not to please himself (Romans 15:1-3). To the Lord, I am to offer a broken heart and contrite spirit (2 Nephi 2:7).

And so, pondering upon these things and remaining prayerful, even during my weakest of times, I was given sufficient grace for the day. In time, gifts of the Spirit enabled me to let go of much of my hardness, my bitterness gradually faded, and I came to serve again with zeal and joy.

I believe each of us comes to a crossroads at least once in life where we are strictly challenged by these questions:

• Is my soul refusing to be comforted?
• Is my soul refusing to forgive?
• Is my soul refusing to be forgiven?

I know that the price with which we are bought is an infinite one (1 Corinthians 6:20; Alma 34:10-14). This price pays for all sins committed against us. This price pays even for our greater sin of not forgiving others, but we must turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, being eventually enabled to forgive through the gift and grace of God.

May you and I realize that we are saved, in this life and in the next, "by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). And may forgiveness, of self and others, transform us, leading us to the most exalting of joys.

One of the Best...One of the Worst

(Originally posted to FaceBook on August 5, 2009)

One of the best sunsets I’ve ever enjoyed…was around November 1983 in Lahaina, Maui, Hawaii. I was serving as a missionary there at the time. My companion and I decided to go to this one point near our home that overlooked the ocean. Pineapples had been planted and harvested there in the past, but the ground was being rested then, and it made for a great place to just hang loose for a while. Waves broke gently on the cliffs below. The ocean appeared calm for miles and miles before us. Prickly pear cactuses (of all things) dotted the tropical slope. And there in the distance (yet, strangely, right within my heart at the same time) was the sunset…gradually lowering, with ever-shifting colors of azure blue, yellow, orange, coral, and grey drawing a curtain on the horizon. What peace. What comfort was mine.

This shot was taken towards the close of the sunset and does not at all
do justice to even a portion of its beauty that evening,
but you probably get the idea.

Prickly pear cactuses on the Maui coastline near Lahaina.

One of the worst tragedies I’ve witnessed…was the explosion and disintegration of the Space Shuttle Challenger and her crew of seven souls on January 28, 1986. At the time, I was working at a print shop in Tucson, Arizona and heard the shocking news on the radio. Later that night, I had a class at Pima Community College and stopped at the cafeteria there to order a quesadilla with all of the fixings. The cafeteria had a television and the eyes of all students there were fixed upon it, including mine. I stood watching and listening as special news coverage repeatedly revealed the awful disaster from all angles. It never ceases to amaze me how such a pristine, blue sky was so emotionally darkened that day by the upward surge of white-clouded destruction. As I watched, tears freely streamed down my cheeks (as they fill my eyes again, even now, over 23 years later). In terms of lives lost, this tragedy was far from the worst. More lives have been lost in a single car accident, for example. Still, America’s hopes for crew member and teacher, Christa McAuliffe--and just the pure excitement generated throughout the world by her addition--made this journey into space such a singular one. Then, 73 seconds after lift off, all of those hopes were stilled. The crew just vanished. How could the story be written this way? The groan of such an overwhelming emptiness cannot be adequately expressed.



STS-51-L crew: (front row) Michael J. Smith, Dick Scobee, Ronald McNair; (back row) Ellison Onizuka, Christa McAuliffe, Gregory Jarvis, Judith Resnik.





One of the best laughs I’ve ever had...came courtesy of one of my roommates, Robin Connelly (Butler now). Along with Robin, my other roommate, Tommie Sue Woolley, and I all made a trip to the Conejos Valley area in southern Colorado one summer. Tommie’s mom owned some cabins there, so the cost was just the price of gas and food. We repaired a downed power line that led to the main cabin, got the water well to pump water, fished in the nearby river, took some nature walks, hiked up to the waterfall at Rough Creek, built fires and made yummy foil dinners, enjoyed the stars, etc.

Tommie Sue Woolley (L), Robin Connolly (R), and Jacki Hancock (C)
at the Conejos Valley in Colorado around 1992.

Then, it was time to go home. After packing up, we all got into the truck, and decided to say a prayer before we left. Robin was elected to say that prayer. She went on for a little while, sharing gratitude for the great time we had there. Then, at the appropriate moment, she said…"and please bless this truck that it will be nourishing and strengthening to our minds and bodies." She paused. We all paused. Tommie and I tried so very hard to contain our heaving snickers. Robin found a way to say "AMEN" as quickly as possible, and Tommie and I just started busting a gut! Tears gushed out from all the laughing! Robin joined with us within moments as well, though she did take pains to try to explain away her slip up. It took us at least another 10 minutes to get ourselves in control enough to start driving off the property. I’m glad that laugh came with us!

One of the worst regrets I’ve carried...was when I decided it was more important for me to offer updates about my mom’s impending death to her brother and sisters via telephone, rather than just stay by her side the whole time during her final moments. When I came back from one of these phone calls, I saw my mom’s eyes fixed and dilated. Just a few minutes earlier, she had been cared for by a group of nurses (washed, etc.), which was a driving reason why I had left to make a phone call in the first place. I think the activities they carried out eked out the last, remaining particles of energy in Mom’s exhausted body. So, I didn’t get that final hug or kiss from her. Instead, I had to drape Mom’s lifeless arms around my neck and hold her as best I could, whispering and singing into her ear my final good-byes. How I wish I had that time back again.

One of the best experiences I've had with God...is a compelling one for me and not at all one that I can share in its fullness. (Aren’t they all, though?) I was preparing a special lesson on the Atonement of the Savior for the Young Women (Laurels) in my charge at the time in Tucson. I spent numerous hours reading, pondering, writing, and repeating the cycle all over again. I considered so many more things about the Savior and His Atonement than I would ever dare attempt to teach. It was an amazing time of preparation of mind for me. This preparation was followed by communication through prayer so powerful that it transformed my spiritual understanding about the Atonement. It was at this time that I came to know for myself, unequivocally, that Jesus Christ lived and died for me. And, had I been the ONLY person who needed spiritual repair in this world and salvation in the next, he would have ransomed himself for my sake, and for my sake alone. And, still…"I stand all amazed…."

Skinhorse Truth: Lengthy Trials

Sometimes, our lengthy trial is made lengthy for a particular purpose. It may be that we are not prepared to receive the blessing we would design for ourselves. It may be that we are to experience apparent separation or other "enmity" between God and ourselves, that we might better understand and help another who truly is separated from God. Or, it may be that we are to go where the Lord has gone, touching but the edges of his imprint, that we might embrace him in fullness when, alas, we arrive where he is.
- Jacqueline J. Hancock

Skinhorse Poetry: "Arms Which Encircle Us"

Behold the arms encircling us now—
Oh, those Glorious Arms!

Arms, which, remaining extended,
stay ready to receive and enfold us,
and with comfort sure,
share in the load we bear.

Arms, which, with constancy
of love and gentle kindnesses,
caress our troubled souls;
mercifully touching, warming,
resurrecting
the Hope of Divinity
that dwells within.

Arms, which, in honor
raised
echo sweet the proclamation,
“Be True to thine One Love”;
and, sending grace for nations yet to be,
open wide the veil that we, seeing,
might glance visions of eternity.

Oh, those Glorious Arms!
Strength of heaven,
providers of the Healer’s art,
laborers of righteousness,
witnesses of truth,
source of love abounding—
encircle us evermore
that our tears of joy fall softly
upon those Arms
in grateful adoration.

- Jacqueline J. Hancock

Skinhorse Poetry: "Where Did All the Forgiveness Go?"

This original poem and personal experience demonstrate that I am one who has been hurt and who has struggled enormously with forgiving another for that hurt. I do not dare claim that my experience is new, or feel my pain to be above that borne by another. Having said that, and while I have hesitated to do so, I finally decided to share a portion of my experience and learning here in the hope that it will be of some benefit to one, or to many, of you.

Where did all the forgiveness go?
Nowhere.
The same as all the apologies.

Yet to forgive—though forgiveness be not sought:
Is it not more glorious than the receipt of pleading?

Reveal thou, thy glory here.

In its place comes once more—Pain.
For, in turning the corner towards forgiveness
Another unsung apology groans out as a reminder
And nearly nothing rings more loudly
Than such a nothingness.

“Oh, how deep the wound!” she cries.
And cries.
And cries again.

Who could trace the path of tears,
Or find its ending point on the tear-streaked face?

- Jacqueline J. Hancock


Forgiving another is part of the soul’s requirement to undergo a “mighty change.” My own changing—though paltry in comparison to many—has inspired gratitude within. I understand that the making of a mighty change never really results in our reaching a destination; rather, it is a continuing process. Still, invisible chapter markers help point to critical crossroads.

Efforts made to help rid my heart of any unkind feelings towards one who had hurt me included attending aids that the Lord remarkably charted out for my benefit, revealing in no uncertain terms that He is aware of my needs. Through them, I was prepared to visualize a series of significant things.

First of all, one evening I lay in bed, alone in the darkness, yet very much awake. In this state, I was granted a vision of one particular person who had hurt me deeply and repeatedly so, standing far away from me and diminished in size, the way that artists portray people and things in the distance. Though we faced one another, it was clear that we could not be brought any closer. Almost immediately, and to my great surprise, there stood the Savior next to me. He looked into my eyes, though I could not bear to look into His. He asked me, “Is it not enough that I suffered for all hurts given here? Is there something else that you require? Is there more that I should do?” Tears filled my eyes—not in the vision, but in reality. I answered, even audibly, as I lay there alone in the darkness: “No, you have done all.” Of course His suffering is enough. Of course it is. But in weakness, I had not been able to find a way to fully accept His offerings.

Secondly, and following this former vision, I entered within the Mesa Temple. Before heading into an endowment session, I stopped and took a single piece of paper and pencil and wrote down the names of all those involved in my hurt at the time. I had completed this act many times before. This time, however, I included my own name. All names were, symbolically at least to me, placed upon the Temple altar while I was present there. At last, certain feelings swelled, enabling me to visualize standing peacefully WITH those who had hurt me. Again, tears filled my eyes.

Thirdly, I had a dream in the middle of the night. In my dream, this same particular person stood facing me, obviously troubled. We were within a mere few feet of one another then. An unexpected awareness ensued. Comprehending some of the feelings of hurt that I had inspired myself, I moved towards this person, whom I then compassionately wrapped my arms around long enough to tell how very sorry I was to have contributed any pain.

The dream ended there. No final page was revealed in this chapter of my experience as I dreamed. As time has passed, it has been made clear that the story is still being written, whether in daytime or nighttime hours.

Who could trace the path of tears,
Or find its ending point on the tear-streaked face?

There is only One, and that One is the Savior. The tears have been traced. They are known. Gratefully, the tears have their ending point as well. The pain is becoming more and more soothed by The Balm of Gilead. What comfort this Balm brings.

Some things are certain. We all hurt within ourselves for wrongs committed against us, even grievous wrongs. We all manage to hurt one another, sometimes without even intending to do so. Whichever way our experiences may lead us, we all are in a position to seek and receive forgiveness. Finally, we all struggle with seeking and extending forgiveness.

Yet, if we are to be made right with the Lord, then we will necessarily have to forgive those who have wronged us—even if they never ask for our forgiveness! I think, though, that the Lord understands that everyone’s timetable is different. He says we must forgive; he does not say that we must forgive NOW. Still, it is to our own advantage that we get ourselves set on the right track towards forgiveness, allowing space for it when it comes. As we attune ourselves more and more with the Lord’s purposes, we will find our spiritual speed quicken enough to fully renew our walk with Him.

If you struggle still to forgive, may you begin anew the process of undergoing a mighty change of heart. May you indeed forgive another of their wrongs towards you—not because they need it or deserve it—but because the Lord stands between you and them, asking if His suffering is enough to cover it all.

Please read THE PEACEGIVER by James L. Ferrell for a more thorough spiritual comprehension of the subject of forgiveness. My repeated readings of this book helped to prepare me for some of my own personal experiences.

A Better Resurrection

Talk given by

Jacqueline J. Hancock,
Beverly Ward

Sacrament Meeting,
Easter Sunday - April 12, 2009

The Apostle Paul taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable."1

I believe what he was saying here is that, if we look to Christ only for our daily bread, then we miss the greater point – even the promise – of Him being the "Bread of Life." Jesus himself attested, "I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst."2

This Bread of Life spoke at length of his gift of resurrection, though the people understood him not. Five days before his final Passover supper, before he would become The Passover himself, Jesus the Christ spoke these words about his resurrection, and our resurrection because of him: "Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit."3

The Resurrection is:
* A life- and death-altering event and experience.
* Based on eternal law and sacrifice.
* Given to all mankind as an unconditional gift, regardless of whether we be good, or whether we be evil.4

We will all live again, and live forever in an immortal state, because of the gift of the Bread of Life. So, truly, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable."5

But, let us not forget to enjoy our daily bread!

If I may borrow again from Paul (taking license to change a couple of words and propose a junior theory of my own), "If in the NEXT life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men and women, most miserable."

While in this mortal frame, there’s a lot about life that I don’t think I’ll ever quite understand, ever be able to explain, or ever find solace enough to help meet and overcome all the injustices, the blows to the guts, and heavy sighs. Gratefully, I do know such a time will eventually come, when through spiritual eyes, ALL will be discerned, causing the final sigh to, at last, breathe in new life and light. Still, while in this life, I hope for better days, better circumstances, better health, better relationships, and better chances to make meaningful contributions so as to comprehend my purpose or purposes.

The scriptures are also replete with references to things that are better. Here are a few:

"For the law made nothing perfect, but the bringing in of a better hope did; by the which we draw nigh unto God."6

" . . . [Christ] is the mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises."7

" . . . ye have in heaven a better and an enduring substance."8

" . . . they desire a better country, that is, an heavenly."9

"And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise."10

In addition to these, there is a favorite passage of mine found in Hebrews 11. This entire chapter deals with the subject of faith, beginning in verse 1 with its definition. It goes on to describe exemplars of faith through the ages, including Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sara, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, and Moses. The walls of Jericho were brought down by faith extended. And even the harlot Rahab - a prostitute, of all people – is included here because of her great faith.

(Starting now in Hebrews 11:32): "And what shall I more say? for the time would fail me to tell of Gedeon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthae; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets . . . "

And what shall I more say? For the time would fail me to tell of Juanita Wagner, and Marguerite Payne, and Tom Wright, and Garth Lamoreux, and Jill Lawlor, and Kathleen Whipple, and Sheryl Allred, and Nick Nelson, and Terrie Wood, and Juanita Svedi, and Katy Cochran:

". . . Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,
"Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens.
". . . And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment . . .
". . . Women received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection . . . ."11

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."12

Thus, it is FAITH that leads us to a better resurrection; meaning a better, immortal – even eternal life – because it first leads us through a better mortal life!

Our lives there reflect our lives here. Some may say, "Oh! Well, then! There is no hope for me, for I stink here!" And, here’s where our true hope in Christ comes in. As taught by James E. Faust, "All of us have made wrong turns along the way. I believe the kind and merciful God, whose children we are, will judge us as lightly as He can for the wrongs that we have done and give us the maximum blessing for the good that we do."13

But, let us not take for granted the many gifts extended to us through, and because of, the Atonement of our Savior. Make no mistake: we must reverence Christ’s faith by extending our own. We do this when we strive to be, or to become, better in our obedience and abandonment of sin; in our willingness to love (and be loved); in our repentance; in our forgiveness of another’s wrongs; in forgiving ourselves when Christ has done the same, or when it seems that he would forgive – if we would only allow him to do so.

In short, when we strive to be or become a better disciple of Christ, then will our hope in Christ increase, both in this world and in the world to come, where ours will be a better resurrection.

In 2003, I was in Nauvoo, Illinois. I traveled there to complete temple ordinances on June 27th for my mother who had died exactly one year before. This day also marked the one-year anniversary of the restoration and opening of the Nauvoo Temple, as well as the death of Joseph Smith. Referencing the period immediately following the martyrdom of Joseph, I recorded the following in my journal:

"I do not think that I would have enjoyed living 159 years ago. I wonder what my own faith would have been like then. Would I have stayed and helped to carry the collective load of the Saints at that time? I would like to think so. I would hope that my resilience and desire for a better cause – and better resurrection – would enliven the best within me to overcome the temporary trials given in the heat of the day. I can hope for no less of myself now, either.

"It is time to resurrect that hope that is within me, to invite the Spirit to strengthen the bands of my own faith in Christ, and to trust in his purposes for me. I cannot see his plans for me. I do not understand all his ways. I cannot possibly know of his power – his ability to intercede on my behalf and cause even the shackles of hell that ever chase after me to loosen and fall away.

"Though I cannot, or do not, see the full power of the Lord’s love in my little life . . . I am so much more filled with courage and determination to be more faithful. I trust all the more, too, that the Atonement will help to see me through the most difficult of times and grant me clarity of vision enough to remain in my place – though the future presented before me may be covered with a thick veil."14

May we each resurrect the divinity within us today – this Easter morn’ – that we may pass through the veil, whispering as we go, because our hearts are that tender and that swollen with joy, that we might obtain a better resurrection. This is my hope. May it be your hope as well. In the sacred name of our only True Hope, the Bread of Life – even our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ – Amen.


FOOTNOTES:
1. 1 Corinthians 15:19
2. John 6:35
3. John 12:24
4. 1 Corinthians 15:22
5. 1 Corinthians 15:19
6. Hebrews 7:19
7. Hebrews 8:6
8. Hebrews 10:34
9. Hebrews 11:16
10. Alma 37:45
11. Hebrews 11:32-36 (verses 35 and 36 transposed, for emphasis)
12. Ether 12:4
13. James E. Faust, Ensign, Nov. 1996, p. 53.
14. Journal entry of Jacqueline J. Hancock, dated June 29, 2003.