Taking Risks

To laugh is to risk being a fool. 

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. 

To reach out to another is to risk involvement. 

To express feelings is to risk exposing your true self. 

To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss. 

To love is to risk not being loved in return. 

To live is to risk dying. 

To hope is to risk despair. 

To try is to risk failure. 

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.  They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live.  Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.  Only a person who risks is free.

- Leo Buscaglia

As a high school Junior, I lived in Sierra Vista, Arizona and was enrolled in Buena High School.  (Well, truthfully, as a Junior, I was enrolled in high schools four different times: in Tucson first, then Sierra Vista, then Safford, then back again to Sierra Vista.  These moves all followed on the heels of two high school enrollments in 9th grade and five more in 10th grade.  Mom wanted to move yet again just before the end of my 11th grade year, but I glued my feet to the floor and basically said, "You go; I'm staying."  Oh, but I digress.)  I managed to stay in Sierra Vista my entire Senior year and ended up graduating from Buena.

I was blessed to have an extraordinary teacher while at Buena: Dixi Dougherty.  We all called her Ms. D for short.  She loved her students and loved teaching, and it was part of her natural teaching style to regularly share profound quotes and other significant ideas.  The above quote by Leo Buscaglia is one that I remember her having shared during my high school years when I was taking her Psychology, Sociology, and U.S. Constitution classes.  I found it refreshing that her teaching style did not change despite the fact that the subjects were so different from one another.

I think some of the key gifts I received from Ms. D were her consistent messages about mankind's need for one another, our humanness, and just simple validation that the emotional patterns already apparent in my young life made sense and were worth something.  I dared to vulnerably share a few things when I was young.  I risked my heart.  She offered safety and understanding as I did so, and greatly enlarged my vision of self-worth and worth to others whom I might encounter in future days.

So, over the years, I've continued to do my share of risking in different ways, just as Leo Buscaglia and Ms. D counseled.  I've been able to discern reactions to me and my willingness to risk from several souls, too.  Those reactions have run the gamut—everything from downright suspicion, fear, and rejection to whole-hearted acceptance and love.  Because of the tangible pain repeatedly handed me as I have dared to risk, I have been tempted to mind my emotional Ps and Qs, to conform more, to blend in, to fade out.  But, the strongest part of my inner self continues to teach me, even scold me, saying, "Such thinking is not right.  Keep going.  Keep trying.  Keep sharing."

A few good handfuls of people along the way have spoken words to this general effect after observing me in action a little while: "Jacki, I just don't know how you can do and say some of the things you do and say.  I would be scared to death.  I could never do that. How do you?"  A lot of times, I have to ask for more specifics, because I just can't quite grasp what they are referencing.  Once they tell me, I am usually rather surprised that the particulars are such a big deal to the person.

As it turns out, the more critical and worthwhile question is one that I might ask them!  "How do you NOT say and do some of these things?"  It makes a whole lot more sense to me that we seek to allow the best parts of ourselves breathe free—even in the face of potential pain—rather than allow ourselves to be stifled, muffled, and even suffocated by real or portended fears.  Much more comes of life as we do so, especially when there are loved ones by our side to steadily share in the journey.

Click here for more wisdom on the subject: 
"Our Deepest Fear" - (April 18, 2009)

Begin It Now

Every once in a while, you come across a quote that just pops you between the eyes, bonks you on the head, sends chills up some part of your body, fills your insides with some sort of inspiration, or any combination of the above--then makes you just want to act right then and there to do something monumental.  That's what happened to me in mid-August 1992.

I was discussing a little bit of everyday life with an associate.  I worked at a place called Aristocrat Printing & Design in Tucson, Arizona.  She worked at Alpha Graphics.  Our shop often did specialty work for her shop and I was called upon to consult with her on various projects.  We became rather decent friends, as work friends go. 

And so it happened that one day, she brought me a quote that she liked.  I started to read it, having no forethought as to its content.

I was floored.  I nearly cried, but held my tears until I was alone.  She never would have understood my emotion. 

At the time, I had been working for over 13 years in the printing industry, and while it afforded me a decent living (much better than minimum wage, anyway), I was enormously dissatisfied.  The vocation had never helped me to get ahead financially, nor did my work help me to feel that I made one iota of real difference in the world.  I knew that I needed to make changes in my life; still, I felt nearly paralyzed by my habitual servitude to that life.

Upon reading this quote by Goethe, however, I immediately received strength to pursue a different life's path.  Thoughts flooded my mind, focused on the idea of completing my degree, that I might do something more with the gifts God had given me.  The feeling was intense, the direction unmistakably divine in its origin, and the confidence offered that all financial concerns would indeed work out truly did surpass all understanding. 

Just over three months later, I quit my job, enrolled in college full-time beginning with the Spring 1993 term, and renewed my journey towards completing my Bachelor of Arts in Communication.  I had no idea in advance as to how in the world this would all come together, but I put my full self into motion anyway.  I truly did commit myself to following through with my decision, despite my inability to foresee the future, and despite all the varied fears and realities of life that had stagnated my progression during former years. 

I had already earned nearly 60 disjointed credit hours by that time, but they counted for little when all was said and done, so that I had to start college nearly from scratch.  Nonetheless, three years after my decision to renew my educational journey, I graduated from the University of Arizona, Magna Cum Laude, in Spring 1996. 

Never once during that time did I fear for my financial sustenance, nor did I have cause to concern myself.  "All manner of unforseen assistance and meetings and material assistance" did indeed present themselves.  Naturally, I did pursue and was granted loans, but even these by themselves would not have been enough to cover my school and living expenses for three years.  In addition to these loans, a few modest grants and scholarships were obtained.  Summer jobs in my printing vocation paid nicely.  I received an insurance settlement after having been painfully rear-ended (not the best way to take care of business, but it surely did help).  My mom, whom I had been previously supporting after an emergency move from California, finally won her disability suit against the Social Security Administration (and before a judge who was known to be unsympathetic in such cases), which then allowed her to reimburse funds I had already expended on her behalf the previous year.  And finally, my roommate generously charged me a paltry $150/mo for rent and utilities for the entire period of my schooling endeavor.

To my great pleasure, temporal salvation, and spiritual satisfaction, the sea had spread its walls before me, allowing me to travel to the other side upon dry ground.  Providence--meaning God--moved on my behalf, because I moved first.  I acted in faith.  I did something.  I commited myself to a decision, feeling the strength of the Lord behind me, and I moved. 

Truly, that one pivotal decision made all the difference in the world for me, and I suspect for a few others as well.  It is surely good to remember these things.

King Benjamin stated, "see that all these things are done in wisdom and order" (Mosiah 4:27).  But, let them be done!  Pursue dreams!  Be bold!  Receive genius and power!  Begin it now!

Book of Ether (intro)

Perhaps in stages, I would like to share some thoughts about the Book of Ether that have had an amazing impact on my consideration of our own journeys to the "Promised Land." Concepts started opening up to me around 1990. Since then, I have returned to this book many times when I needed the comfort of the scriptures, or to feel an extra connection with the Lord.

Then, around 2006, I discovered this quote by President Spencer W. Kimball. He states that the Book of Ether is "unparalleled." My own experience in feeling the symbolic power of passages found here tells me this is true. More later . . .

Forgiveness of Others

I have felt three types of significant forgiveness of others in my life:

1. That borne after years of childhood grief carried into adulthood, which was released quietly, even unnoticeably, through the grace of the Savior.


2. That given as an undeniable GIFT from God--an unexpected, spontaneous outpouring of compassion from me towards one who had offended me--witnessing (to me!) of the power of the Lord's "bowels of mercy."


3. That of long-term strugglings in body and spirit, a Gethsemane-type journey or type for Christ, within my limited sphere of personal experience.

I have also come to learn that where forgiveness is concerned, some healing takes time. Just how much time is dependent on a variety of factors, such as:

• Our pride, self-condemnation, or other human foible that keeps us from seeing things and people, ourselves included, as they truly are.
  
• A lack of faith, defined as a principle of power or action. More to the point, though, being unprepared, unable, or unwilling to draw upon Christ's own faith to help us fulfill our desires (see Galatians 2:16,20).


• God’s requirement of us to more fully comprehend, even in the smallest degree, what the Savior's pain and sorrow was like.

We are not trifling with sacred things when we juxtapose our limited sufferings with those of the Savior, if our hearts are attuned to the truth of the Lord as we seek to comprehend our divinity.

My understanding of this concept was enlarged while experiencing the despairing depths of life circumstances. I felt misunderstood, falsely accused, ridiculed by my enemies, betrayed by my friends, and left alone to figure it all out for myself. My soul was pained and could not be comforted. So many unanswered pleadings of "Why?" resulted in no small angst about my purpose in life. I was tempted to abandon my purposes, if ever there were any, despite a previous, compelling witness that the Lord had given me a specific work to do.

While in this frame of weakened mind and spirit, I was somehow led to Doctrine & Covenants 138:11-14, which reads:

As I pondered over these things which are written, the eyes of my understanding were opened, and the Spirit of the Lord rested upon me, and I saw the hosts of the dead, both small and great.

And there were gathered together in one place an innumerable company of the spirits of the just, who had been faithful in the testimony of Jesus while they lived in mortality;

And who had offered sacrifice in the similitude of the great sacrifice of the Son of God, and had suffered tribulation in their Redeemer's name.

All these had departed the mortal life, firm in the hope of a glorious resurrection, through the grace of God the Father and his Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ.

The questions that came to me as I studied this passage anew were these:

• What is included in faithfulness?


• How do we offer sacrifice and suffer tribulation in our Redeemer’s name? ("In" and "Redeemer" are the qualifiers here.)

I will leave readers to ask these and other questions of themselves, for the answers must surely be personalized, even in sacred ways. In general, though, one guiding principle reminded me that the offering of sacrifice is not about me and what I get; rather, it is about others, including the Lord, and what I give. To others, I am to bear the infirmities of the weak, and seek not to please myself, even as Christ sought not to please himself (Romans 15:1-3). To the Lord, I am to offer a broken heart and contrite spirit (2 Nephi 2:7).

And so, pondering upon these things and remaining prayerful, even during my weakest of times, I was given sufficient grace for the day. In time, gifts of the Spirit enabled me to let go of much of my hardness, my bitterness gradually faded, and I came to serve again with zeal and joy.

I believe each of us comes to a crossroads at least once in life where we are strictly challenged by these questions:

• Is my soul refusing to be comforted?
• Is my soul refusing to forgive?
• Is my soul refusing to be forgiven?

I know that the price with which we are bought is an infinite one (1 Corinthians 6:20; Alma 34:10-14). This price pays for all sins committed against us. This price pays even for our greater sin of not forgiving others, but we must turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, being eventually enabled to forgive through the gift and grace of God.

May you and I realize that we are saved, in this life and in the next, "by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). And may forgiveness, of self and others, transform us, leading us to the most exalting of joys.

Quote: Painful state of being

"The most painful state of being
is remembering the future,
particularly one you can never have."

- Søren Aabye Kierkegaard
Danish Philosopher, 1813-1855

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Quoted by Nelson Mandela. Written by Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3 (Pg. 190-191).